Understanding the ongoing impact of being adopted is not a math problem with a definitive answer and a clear way to reach it. It is messy and complicated and, like a handprint, each person’s journey is unique. Choosing to seek out help and support is a difficult decision, and an important one. There are few therapists who understand adoption from the inside out, and yet, it can feel risky to choose a therapist who is also a member of the adoption triad (adoptee, birth parent, adoptive parent). One might worry that the therapist’s ability to be attuned will be hindered by their personal experiences, or that they might have set political views about adoption. The truth is, that no one can be an expert in the private life and feelings of someone else, no matter what their qualifications. Understanding the adoption experiences of another person takes time and trust.

Even so, over the years I have come to understand a number of broad issues that many adoptees may struggle with at a certain point in their life, or throughout their life. Adoptees want to feel like they “belong.” They want to be supported and validated in their struggles, but don’t want to be pathologized or pitied. Adoptees deserve to be happy and loved, just like everyone else, and although they might know that intellectually, internalizing it might be more difficult. Experience tells them that what happened once could happen again, so they take steps to protect themselves from further emotional abandonment and loss, sometimes without even realizing it. Adoptees often find themselves at a loss as to how to feel comforted and can feel alone, in spite of the love, support and commitment of their adoptive parents. Feelings such as anger, despair and guilt can erupt unexpectedly during times of “life leaps” and significant events such as search and reunion, visiting birth country, death, births, marriages, and school endings and beginnings. Sometimes, the impact of adoption is more nuanced – unease in intimacy, difficulty taking the lead in one’s own direction in life.


It is never the “wrong” time to start therapy and adoptees know best about when want or need to begin to look at these issues. Talking with someone who is experienced in the world of adoption but is committed to the individual needs of each person and family can encourage healing, and a sense of closure and empowerment.